How do you make the most out of college?

College is a time for self-discovery and preparing for your future.  Yes, its about making the grade.  But, there’s so much more to this season than finding the right major.  For many, it’s the first time out of your parent’s home.  And yet, you’re not completely on your own.  You’re exposed to new people and new ideas.  Your path becomes a blank canvas.  It’s exciting!  I think everyone instinctively knows that college is about self-discovery.  But, too many people ruin the opportunity – they don’t make the most out of college.

After a decade of helping college students with both leadership development and counseling, I gathered some great tips on how to make the most of college.  Here’s my “Spiritual Wellness College Checklist” (in no particular order):

1. DATE … BUT NOT TOO SERIOUSLY. Remember, college is about self-discovery.  If you date to marry while you’re still figuring yourself out… it will lead to disaster.  Instead, date because you want to learn how to be your true self in a dating relationship.  Being your true self includes learning to prioritize your relationship with God while dating.  It’s for trial-and-error, and for establishing your personal boundaries and … for fun.   These are relationship skills that you need to learn now.  Save the serious dating for your late 20s.  By then, you’ll know who you are and you can make a smart choice for marriage.  Time = Seriousness.  So, I recommend putting a 6-8 month cap on any non-serious relationship.
2. TRAVEL ABROAD … ON SOMEONE ELSE’S DIME. College is one of the only times  you can convince others to finance your travels.  Take advantage of it!  Here’s the key:  You’ve got to do something worthwhile!  We the people who have gone before you aren’t naïve enough to think you’ll change the world after a month in Rwanda.  To get us to fork out the cash, you only have to convince us that the trip will make you a better person.  There’s lots of great organizations out there that will help you get started.  I recommend YWAM.
3. FRIENDS, FRIENDS, AND THEN FAMILY. Don’t feel badly about diving into your friendships.  Your family will feel a bit betrayed and abandoned.  But, friends are really important at this time of life.  Here’s why… you need to identify who you are apart from your family.  This is the time to learn how you’re different and what you really like.  So, you also need to choose your friends wisely.   Just be sure to remember that at the end of the day, your family (if they’re somewhat healthy and normal, that is) are the ones who are there for you … always. So, call home and tell mom that you love her.
4. CONFRONT YOUR CHILDHOOD DEMONS. I know you’re working and studying and camping with friends on the weekend… so, it might feel overwhelming to work on your inner life… but, you must!   Here why… suicide, eating disorders and depression is highest in your age bracket.  Plus, when you graduate college you’ll have a heap of responsibilities, pressures and disappointments.  To deal with those pressures, you’ll need inner strength.  So, now is the time to prioritize inner healing.  Check with your school because lots of colleges have free counseling for students.  If your not living at home… bonus!  This is a huge asset for those whose inner wounds are related to poor parenting. For more, see How to Find a Counselor.
5. MAKE FAITH MATTER: Find ways to intensify your spiritual life. Go to worship and prayer gatherings with other college students.  They happen in every major city, and they are super cool!  Prayer is like filling a gas tank.  While its getting full, you can’t see your fuel meter rise.  It still looks empty.  But, when you put your car in ‘go’ you’ll see the tank is full.  Fill your tank while your in college, and you’ll see the results after graduation … trust me on this one… its true.

What would you add to the college checklist?

For more helpful information on this topic, see the Spiritual Wellness blog Your College “Must Do” Checklist.  College is all about self-discovery and friendships.  Remember to journal, find a counselor, and build healthy friendships!

At Glen Beck’s “Restoring Honor” rally he urged Americans to renew their faith in God.

I think a rally on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial, on the anniversary of Dr. King’s “I Have a Dream” speech, must have at least something to do with politics.  And yet, what exactly it has to do with politics is not my concern.

I’m interested in the bit about God. Why is a TV talk show host calling Americans to restore their faith in God?  It hints to a biblical reference of when “foolish things confound the wise.”  So, perhaps he’s right?  Perhaps we do need to restore faith?  But, isn’t that a bit ambiguous?

How Do We Restore Our Faith?

Most Americans (around 95%) still believe in God. We just can’t seem to nail down the particulars. We’re sort of wandering around aimlessly trying to figure out where He is or what She looks like.  I’m merely suggesting that most Americans would not recognize God even if Jesus walked up to them in Birkenstocks and a glowing halo.  If you urge someone who believes in God to restore their faith, what exactly should they do?  Go to church?  If so, then we face another dilemma.  Church appears to be a main factor in the collapse of faith in America.

I recently read a Rolling Stones interview with pop-singer icon Katie Perry where she talked about her ultra-religious, church-going parents. She said, “I knew about hell from the moment I understood a sentence. I wasn’t ever able to say I was ‘lucky,’ because my mother didn’t like that ‘lucky’ sounded like ‘Lucifer.’”  She went on to say that despite her upbringing, she still considers herself a Christian.  If Katie Perry believes in God, how should she restore her faith?

I think Perry’s story is indicative of the type of spiritual lunacy people regularly encounter in churches. Research from the Barna Institute shows that 40% of non-churchgoing Americans no longer attend church because of negative and hurtful church experiences.  Hypocrisy and judgmental attitudes were among the chief complaints.  Also mentioned is the idea that Christians seem particularly passionate about what they are against, instead of focusing on what they are for.

It becomes increasingly clear that “Restoring Faith” can’t simply mean to believe in God and/or go to church. I believe in God.  I attend church.  How then should I restore my faith?  There must be something more…

I’m left with one conclusion, I must restore the state of my faith. I must restore a faith that is spiritually healthy.  This is an ongoing work – a lifestyle commitment.  I can only be spiritually healthy to the extent that I allow God’s presence to daily influence my life.  When I experience God’s presence from within, then my faith is restored to one that honors God, self and others.

What exactly does it mean for America to restore her faith? I hope it mean that we begin to practice Spiritual Wellness.  Spiritual Wellness really does have nothing to do with politics, but it has everything to do with hearing God.

If it takes a TV talk show host to get the message across, so be it.  I just hope we’ll get it right.

What do you think it means to restore faith in America?

(Check back for the release of my new video, “Healing Religious Wounds.”  For updates, subscribe to my RSS feed.)

For more on forgiveness, read my Spiritual Wellness blogs Forgiving the Same Person…Yet Again?
or Forgiveness Teaching.

For a full audio teaching on Forgiveness, click here.

I learned this approach to forgiveness from one of my spiritual mentors, Bob Hamp.

I was a graduate student studying therapy. I read books, discussed theories and practiced various therapeutic skills.  Still, I had not personally attended counseling.  One thing was clear… before helping others, I needed to find my own healing.  So, I asked my professor for a referral.  It was scary to focus on myself, but it was also one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.

Now, I recommend counseling to absolutely everyone. Do it sooner than later, and the next phases of your life will be more rewarding that you imagined. Once you decide to start counseling, you are met with a big task:  How to find and choose a counselor? Finding the right counselor is as imperative as finding the right doctor.  A good one makes all the difference in the world.

4 Steps to Finding a Good Counselor:

1. Ask your religious community for a list of counselors they recommend. (You may want to avoid asking family and friends for referrals.  If you do this, they may feel entitled to an update on how the counseling is going.)  Also, some religious communities provide financial scholarships to members who need professional care. Be sure to inquire if this is an option for you. 

2. Search the American Association of Christian Counselors for a counselor near you.

Why AACC? Being a Christian doesn’t necessarily make someone a better counselor.  However, it does increase your chances of finding a counselor who will value your spiritual growth.  Counseling often takes a humanistic approach that leads you away from God.  To maintain Spiritual Wellness, find a counselor who values a God-centered life.  You don’t have to be a Christian to attend Christian Counseling.  Also, a Christian counselor will not attempt to proselytize you.  Christian counseling is simply a foolproof way to find a counselor who values spiritual growth.

3. Interview the counselor. Here’s a list of questions to ask:

• What is your area of expertise?  What exposure/experience have you had helping people with my presenting concern?
• What continuing education classes are you taking?
• Will you respect my spiritual views?
• Do you offer a free consultation? (While this is not common, it is worth asking!)

Note:  In addition to helpful information, the interview will also give you insight into the counselor’s personality.  It’s important to find a counselor with whom you can easily converse.  You’re looking for a personality-match.

4.  Negotiate the fee. Counseling typically ranges between $75-$200 per hour depending on your location and need.  You will usually need a minimum of 3 sessions.  Some professionals will charge less for clients with a low income.  Be sure to also check with your insurance provider as this may be another option for you.  Remember that everything worthwhile requires a sacrifice.  You may need to make sacrifices in order to afford counseling.

Counseling is not synonymous with Spiritual Wellness. However, it is an imperative stepping stone on your path to Spiritual Wellness.  Counseling will help you find inner healing, build your confidence and give you practical life skills.  If you couple counseling with hearing God, you will make great progress toward Spiritual Wellness.

What additional advice would you give to people looking for a good counselor?  Can you give a referral for a counselor in your city?

Can Spiritual Wellness improve your marriage?

You’ve probably heard the old adage “the couple who prays together, stays together.” This adage is not fairytale, but fact.“A 1998 survey by the Georgia Family Council found that among couples who prayed together weekly, only 7 percent had seriously considered divorce, compared to 65 percent of those who never prayed together.” –Focus on the Family

Prayer significantly increases marital stability and happiness. Interestingly, the same is not true of those who merely believe in God.  However, couples who regularly connect with God in prayer do improve their marriage.

Incorporating prayer into your marriage is a challenge. It’s difficult enough to know how to pray as individuals.  How then should we pray as a couple?

Spiritual Wellness Tips for Praying with Your Spouse:

1. Prayer Takes Teamwork: During prayer, each person should contribute by praying aloud.  Since prayer is intimate, this may feel awkward at first.  Like any intimacy we share with our spouse, it will feel more comfortable with time.
2. Commit to Prayer: Find a consistent time when you can pray together, such as before work or before bedtime. Don’t pray merely in response to difficulty.  Also pray when times are good.
3. Focus Your Prayers: Find a way to target your prayers toward your family goals.  I recommend starting with a spiritual passage that correlates with your prayer focus. To get started, try using 2 Corinthians 9:8, “And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work.”
4. Prayer Includes Listening: Prayer is not just talking, but listening.  Take time to listen to God.  He is speaking to you and your spouse about every aspect of your life.

Warning:  Don’t criticize or judge your spouse’s prayers.  There are no rules to prayer.  If there is a rule, it is only to engage your heart with God.

Why Does Prayer Improve Your Marriage?

Notice how the “Spiritual Wellness Tips for Praying with Your Spouse” parallel the qualities of a healthy marriage. Praying together requires teamwork, commitment, focus, listening and acceptance. Prayer improves your marriage in the same way that going to the gym improves your health.  Prayer exercises your marital skills.  It’s a preventative health plan!

As you focus on prayer, you are improving your Spiritual Wellness. Spiritual Wellness makes God the center of your life.  With God at the center, you are becoming the person you are destined to be.

A Note to Wives: Ladies, please don’t ‘nag & drag’ your husband into Spiritual Wellness.  It won’t work any better than nagging him about his diet.  Instead, silently pray for your husband to pursue his Spiritual Wellness.  You own Spiritual Wellness requires that you allow your husband the freedom to grow at his own pace.

A Note to Singles: Prayer is an intimate exchange of heartfelt beliefs.  As such, it requires appropriate boundaries.  With the exception of praying before meals or with larger groups, I highly recommend reserving prayer for when you are engaged.  I advise against praying with someone you are only dating.

How has prayer improved your marriage?  Share your thoughts and insight with our readers.

You may also like my Spiritual Wellness blog, Meditate for Spiritual Wellness.

Sometimes we can stop the relationship altogether. It’s never wise to stay in a dangerous situation.  Still, most unforgiveness happens in those relationships we can’t change. What about your boss?  Your teenage children?  Your bed-ridden mother? You can hardly cut-off these relationships.

Lisa was only a teenager when she started learning to forgive her father. She was new to Spiritual Wellness, and the first God-centered person in her family.  Her dad raised her to be tolerant and open-minded.  In fact, he was supportive of her previous interest in tarot cards and Wicca.  She thought he would be equally supportive of her newfound faith.  Instead, he was furious.   He relentlessly teased her.  Each time, she welled up with anger.  She felt stuck in a cycle of unforgiveness.

Why couldn’t she forgive once and for all? She desperately wanted to walk in a constant state of forgiveness. Lisa found lasting forgiveness when started focusing on her Spiritual Wellness. Along her journey, God showed Lisa His love for her.  When she looked through God’s eyes, she saw herself as God’s daughter.  She felt valued and adored.

When Lisa received God’s love, it changed her feelings for her dad. She now saw him as someone who also needed God’s love.  The times when she felt bitter toward him became less frequent, then eventually vanished altogether. The more deeply she experienced God’s love, the more she maintained forgiveness.

Lasting forgiveness happens when we identify with God’s love. Only when we know God’s love for us, can we continually forgive others.   Saint Paul prays that we would be rooted and grounded in God’s love.   He says that God’s love gives us power to do way more than we dream.God’s love can even empower us to forgive those who repeatedly hurt us.

Imagine a tree with thick, strong roots. As the tree’s roots grow deep into the earth, the tree gains strength.  When storms rage, the tree stands firm.  The tree cannot be moved from its deep roots.  It’s grounded.

Like a tree, you can be rooted and grounded in God’s love. You can remain loving toward people regardless of their words, actions or intentions.  With God’s love, your forgiveness no longer hinges on good behavior.  Instead, regardless of behavior, you have the power to forgive.

To experience lasting forgiveness, focus on your Spiritual Wellness. Ask God to reveal His love for you.  The more you identify with God’s love, the less you will identify with your pain.  Only God’s love is powerful enough to firmly plant you in lasting forgiveness.

My spiritual director, Carol, offered me a challenge. The results of this challenge truly enriched my Spiritual Wellness. She challenged me to begin to identify the things that I find beautiful. But, it wasn’t enough to find beauty. The goal was to identify patterns in the things I find beautiful.

To help me understand the challenge, she shared her own thoughts on beauty. Carol loves quilts. Whenever she travels, she finds antique shops where she can spend hours perusing the intricacy of various handmade quilts. On one trip, she asked herself, “Why are quilts beautiful to me?” The answer helped her discover a deeper place in her heart.

Carol enjoys quilts because of the detail work in each individual stitch. She finds beauty in things that become more beautiful the closer you look. This made her think of people. Like quilts, people become more beautiful the closer you look. Now, Carol is intentional about forming deeper, more meaningful relationships with people. The closer she is to people, the more beauty she finds.

Inspired by Carol’s discovery, I asked myself, “What do I find beautiful?” I love waterfalls, streams, weeping willows and fabrics blowing in a breeze. I love things that flow. I realized that my connection with God is most beautiful when it flows.

On my Spiritual Wellness journey, I have opportunities to either trust God or resist Him. When I resist God, my spirituality grows stagnant and stale. When I trust God, my spirituality flows. Like rushing waterfalls, He powerfully guides me to the next season of my life. I’m flowing with Him.

What do you find beautiful? How does this discovery enhance your Spiritual Wellness?

You may also like my Spiritual Wellness blog post Free People, Free People.