Since I’m a therapist by trade, I thought the best way to start the “Toxic Relationship” series is with an initial interview.  Knowing my background will help you contextualize our conversation moving forward.

If I were counseling myself about food, I’d start by asking questions like:  When did you first realize this was a problem?  How is it affecting your life?  What have you tried that’s worked? I’d save the deeper questions about childhood memories for later.

An initial interview with myself:

When did you first realize that food was a problem? Shortly after college. I was feeling snug in a size 16, which meant that if I gained any more weight, I could no longer shop in the normal stores.  That was a big wake-up call.  I also started having major health problems, primarily with my digestive track.

Did you address the health problems? Yes, I tried both alternative and traditional medicine.  First, I saw a specialist who put me on an expensive monthly medication.  It worked for six months, and then stopped working.  The doctor wanted me to double the medication.  This seemed ridiculous to me, plus I couldn’t afford it.  So, I consulted my stepmom who is a nutritionist.  She recommended supplements and a new diet.  When the dietary changes didn’t work, she suggested that it might be an emotional problem.  That’s when I first started therapy.

What happened in therapy? It was a great experience that set me on a path toward healing.  It didn’t change my health problem, but I did become more confident.  By this time, I had given up on fixing my illness.  Several doctors had told me that it couldn’t be fixed and I needed to learn to live with it.  I believed them.  However, I wasn’t happy with my body image.  So, since I was more confident, I started working hard in the gym and lost 25lbs.  I was able to maintain this new weight for my adult life to date.

Were you able to live with your health problems as your doctors suggested? I lived with it because I thought I had to.   When I took a job at a church, I told my employer that I had a sickness that would occasionally affect job performance.  He hired me anyway.  Four years ago, when I got engaged, I told my fiancé about the illness.  Unlike me, he wasn’t willing to live with it.  He was determined to find a cure.  So he did a ton of research and found a doctor who finally helped me.

How was this doctor able to help you? After a lot of testing, we found several problems.  A major problem was food allergies.  That’s why the nutritional approach didn’t work – it was about specific foods.  I eliminated those from my diet for three months and I never felt better.  Then, I was supposed incorporate the foods back into my diet on a rotation – limiting my intake.  That’s where I encountered problems again.

If you have a solution, why are you here now?  What are you looking for? Two things.  First, I know how to feel healthy, but I don’t make those smart food choices.  I can’t seem to stay away from the stuff that’s harmful to me.  I feel like I have no self-control.  And, the other is about body image.

What about body image? People don’t see me as fat.  I’m tall, I carry my weight well and I know how to dress myself.  But, I also know that I want to be stronger, more energized and more fit.  I want a more toned body.  And, I think it’s okay to want that.  To me, wanting to be fit doesn’t mean that I’m insecure or don’t like myself.  Because I like myself more than I ever have before, now I’m able to admit that I want to make changes.

You sound defensive when you talk about body image? I am.  I’m tired of people telling me I’m not fat.  I never said I was fat.  My spiritual director was the first person who commented on my body image in a way that was really helpful.  She said, “You’re owning the reality of your body image.”  Exactly.  I’m not reflecting on my body as good or bad.  I’m acknowledging what it is in reality.  And, I want to change the reality.

I hope the interview with myself gives you a good frame of reference as we move forward.  In the comments, please tell me what you’d like to know about my journey.  How can my story help you navigate yours?

(Read about my toxic relationship with food from the beginning HERE.  Or, read the next article in the series HERE.)