Modesty & Sex: His Problem or Yours?
Posted on 06. Sep, 2011 by Angie Wyatt in Blog
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Millions of Christian women around the world are taught that they are responsible for every man’s sinful, sexual thoughts. Women young and old, Catholic and Protestant, Hispanic and Caucasian, get dressed with one thought in mind: Will this outfit cause a man to stumble in his faith?
After pondering this question with a mixture of shame and piety, they surmise that their outfit is sufficiently christian and walk out the door. Some are wearing head-coverings and long dresses, others are wearing shorts and tank tops. All feel that their decision will now help all the powerless men in the world from having sexual thoughts toward them. Why? Because these women believe that they are responsible for a man’s sin.
As women, we’re trained to take responsibility for the men in our lives. If we’re good mothers, we’ll raise successful boys. If we’re good wives, we’ll have successful husbands. If our men fail, we blame ourselves.
I’ve counseled Christian men who blame their wives for their porn addiction. They tell their wives that they are not sexy enough, or not good in bed. Other men blame their wives for their substance abuse saying they drink because she nags them. Next, it’s the wife’s fault that he hit her, he wouldn’t have had to use force if only she wouldn’t argue. Worst of all, I’ve counseled young women who are convinced that they are to blame for being raped.
Believing that you’re responsible for another person’s sin sets you up to be dominated and controlled by a man. That’s why its so important to pay attention to what we teach our young women! Teaching young women that the way they dress makes them responsible for a man’s behavior insinuates they might be responsible for his other sins as well. It’s a toxic way of thinking that transforms our young ladies into:
- Women who feel powerless in their romantic relationships, OR
- Women who are power-hungry and learn to manipulate their romantic partners.
When we teach young women to dress modestly, we must emphasize that this is a spiritual matter between each young woman and God. As women, our convictions about how we dress will change throughout our lives. We must be gracious and loving to women who do not share our same convictions.
Ultimately, we are responsible to God for how we present ourselves. Because we are compassionate, it should matter to us how our attire affects others. Because we are sophisticated, it should matter that we dress situationally appropriate. However, our attire does not make us responsible for a man’s thought life.
When a woman believes that she is only responsible for herself, then she learns to build autonomy, confidence and live with freedom. It’s time that we afford Christian women the same esteem that we give to men.
(For more on this topic, see “God & Boobs“)
9 Responses to “Modesty & Sex: His Problem or Yours?”
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Joe Sewell
06. Sep, 2011
Very well balanced post, Angie!
The reverse can also hold true, of course. Some of us men have been beaten upon by well-meaning preachers who preach to us our “role” and “responsibility” as a man, husband, father, or whatever other position we happen to have. No matter what my wife does in terms of following, or not following, our budget is my fault. My daughter’s choice to sleep in on Sunday morning, rather than go to church, is all because I shirked some responsibility somewhere.
Then there’s also the craziness at work regarding sexual harassment, which in some states translates to, “you glanced at me when I didn’t want you to, so I’ll see you in court!”
Swiss Rose
07. Sep, 2011
Will this outfit cause a man to stumble in his faith? — A non firm in faith or having appreciation and respect yes! Respect means for me for all creatures!
As women, we’re trained to take responsibility for the men in our lives. (I not!) If we’re good mothers, we’ll raise successful boys. If we’re good wives, we’ll have successful husbands. If our men fail, we blame ourselves. — That’s past ceturys. It still exist but it’s not the role anymore in most families.
I’ve counseled Christian men who blame their wives for their porn addiction. (read whole paragraph). — Can’t we find it all out before we marry?!!! Some men think when I’m married the women are their belongings. Wrong! I do not know, I have anntenas to see it in advance. So I remain single and have men just as friends. Even it sounds hopless. I’m not!!! Not all are bad or?
However, our attire does not make us responsible for a man’s thought life. – Yes and no! Women want sometimes to impress their potential patener, push up bras, sexy outfits. Men not in control and we/women degrade to sex toys.
It’s time that we afford Christian women the same esteem that we give to men. – Do not worry Angie it happens too nowdays.
We are faithful and firm, everithing is done right… !!! – If we are only cultural christians it’s difficult! –
Sorry Angie when I say you sound negative in your article. As it would not give good men or people in general. Think positive and you see more good marriges as failed.
Of course as a counselor you see just people with problems and you can easely forget that it gives good people too. – Believe me, I made my negative experiences too (men) but I still think positive; good for my soul ! Again even I like to remain single!
That are some thoughts from me. – Blessings Rosemarie
Angie Neal
07. Sep, 2011
This was a really interesting perspective and I totally get where you’re coming from. When I teach my daughter an appropriate way to dress I want it to be out of respect for herself and her relationship with the Lord. I thought this was great!
Alex
07. Sep, 2011
Really balanced perspective! Loved it!
Tina
07. Sep, 2011
Amen. Well done!
Leah McClellan
07. Sep, 2011
Hi, I saw this on The Daily Brainstorm. Great message, and it can be applied whether someone is a Christian or not (I’m not). The message has been so pervasive. Yes, as women we have responsibilities, as you say, but we are not responsible for what men do or think or for their wrongdoing.
Great that you’ve spoken up about this.
Keith Brown
08. Sep, 2011
It’s difficult for both men and women trying to exist in a culture that places so much on sex appeal. At 26 years of age, I’m sadly just realizing how warped my views were growing up. Of course I had a typical “Christian” upbringing, but that didn’t stop pop culture from convincing me I needed to seek out a woman my friends would lust after. When it really comes down to it, other men are trained to want a woman that will turn their friends heads. How backwards is that, I could go on forever about this. Thanks again for sharing!
Swiss Rose
08. Sep, 2011
What stops you from getting faithful, Leah? Long story short. I was pushed into faith years ago from an old male school friend, I said no… – I needed some kicks 2000er years from USA TV Church Services. Now I walk with joy with Jesus. Nobody pushed me in something I myself was not convinced! It was my own will. – Swiss Greatings, Rose
Wallace
20. Sep, 2011
Sorry Angie, we are only interested in Your Grandfather and grandmother and that because of the organ and choir. Anything else is just not interesting. Sheila included. Where did she ever get the mistaken idea that she has a message for anyone except her family. I hate the new music format. So Hollywaood, and boring.