Ask Angie: Babysitting Stepkids?

Posted on 25. Oct, 2011 by Angie Wyatt in Blog

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“Babysitting Boundaries” Asks Angie:

How much time is reasonable for my husband and I to babysit his grandchildren, my stepgrandchildren?

After 18 months of marriage, we rarely have time to ourselves.  My 3 teens are with us every Tuesday night and every other weekend.  My husband works full time and several evenings.  We only have Thursday evening, plus every other Friday and Saturday alone.  Plus, we used to babysit my husband’s grandkids 1-3 times per week.  I finally refused to babysit that often. Now, we babysit the grandkids 2-3 times a month.  My husband’s daughter is very upset with us.  It results in huge fights between me and my husband.  In fact, I have been in counseling due to all the drama. I have good boundaries and he has none with his adult children. I need an idea of how much time we should spend babysitting.

Dear “Babysitting Boundaries”:

I can’t recommend a specific time you spend with your grandchildren, or stepgrandchildren. You & your husband will need to determine this together.  Keep in mind that the goal of your marriage isn’t boundaries, it’s unity. Boundaries are just a tool that promote unity.  To help build unity, there are a few things to consider during the decision-process:

1.  (Most Important) How often do you plan to babysit your future, biological grandchildren? Now that you’re married, it’s imperative that you treat your husband’s biological family as your own.  This builds unity.  An honest reflection will give you a good starting point on how often you should babysit his grandchildren.

2.  How much time would you have with your spouse if you weren’t divorced? Because you’re remarried, you actually have more alone time than couples in a nuclear (never divorced) marriage.  This perspective will balance your marital expectations.  Meaning, don’t expect more than what is reasonable for your specific stage of life.  Once you have kids, the honeymoon season is over – even if you’re remarried. This blissful time of life won’t return until you’re empty nesters.

3.  What if you’re not as good at boundaries as you think? I want to challenge your last statement that you’re good with boundaries, but he is not. It’s really rare for couples to fall in love when they are at different levels of emotional-psychological health (ie: boundary keeping)  It’s more likely that you handle boundaries differently.  For instance, it could be that you’re too rigid, while he’s too flexible.  I encourage you to bring this up with your therapist & to consider that you may need to find balance together.  To be clear, I don’t know you well enough to make this judgment; however, I certainly think it’s a possibility.

Once you 1)consider the natural preference for your own children,  2)accept your stage of life,  3)balance your boundaries . . . then, you can fairly address your step-daughter’s expectations and behavior.

You and your husband must make a unified decision about how often you will babysit.  Then, you can communicate that decision to your stepdaughter, following the 3 C’s:  Consistent.  Calm.  Courteous.

Consistent.  Tell her how often you’re willing to babysit.  Be specific about which nights, and then be consistent.  For instance, if you’re goal is alone time, then make everything Thursday a date night.  No babysitting allowed!  Then, be consistent with your rules.  Period.

Calm & Courteous.  If you are consistent, and she responds in emotional or manipulative ways, don’t fight back.  Instead, be calm and courteous . . . but, don’t budge.  If you make a unified decision with your husband about the rules, then you should be able to keep the 3 Cs.

Whatever decision you and your husband make, make a UNIFIED decision. That’s the goal! Godspeed.

 

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4 Responses to “Ask Angie: Babysitting Stepkids?”

  1. Swiss Rose

    26. Oct, 2011

    I need an idea of how much time we should spend babysitting. — It gives no rules for this. – We have to explain when we have time and that we would be pleased to see now and then our grandchildren without sitting. If our children beging to be angry, it’s mean. We should first think before we put chidren in the world, if we have enough time for them and spending the most time with them. Not just saying I do this and that and can’t need my children. We have grandparents they have to look after the kids. My opinion is they are not at all obliged to do it. Fighting because of not babysitting enough etc, is very mean and make no sense for me. Dear parents here, let your own children beg and beg and walk away until they calm down. – Blessings

  2. Jan-Michael

    26. Oct, 2011

    I do not know all the circumstances of this couple so I do not know why the parents even need to have the grandchildren over at the grandparents so often. But, I will say as a parent and Grandparent, I do relish times with my Grandchildren. It is a joy!

    It is not what I consider a favour except to me; trusted and priviledged to have the time together with my wife and our Granddaughter aged 18 mths and Grandson aged 8 mths on different days, as one grandchild each is from each of our daughters and sons-in-law.

    I hope, as we, that the time is not “lost” time from the writer’s husband or he from the writer, but rather a time to do things as a family together; as a couple with their grandchildren. Soon, too soon, the grandchildren will have grown and as grandparents they soon may be too elderly.

    Godspeed to this writer who may come to love more the “step-grandchildren” as her own family ( seems the writer is alienated emotionally and needs to find at these special times a way to go out with the grandchildren. I wonder how the other grandparents fit in?

    As Swiss Rose wrote parents need to accept primary responsibility for their offspring and I think need to take primary responsibility to not place the kids where they are a divisive aspect for the Grandparents lives. The Grandparents are entitled to their life together, alone doing things alone together if they wish. For me, as I said, my wife and I are together when we have one or both grandchildren. But that is us and not obviously for all.

    Angie, I agree too with your challenge to the writer’s belief that she has better boundaries?

    Love to all and especially for this couple that they find a positive solution that keeps the emotions down and the grandchildren feeling the Love.

    J-M

  3. annon

    05. Jan, 2012

    Angie,

    You are DEAD WRONG about people “falling in love” and one having good boundaries and the other not…It is certainly true that SUCESSFUL relationships REQUIRE good boundaries from BOTH parties (and yes, they are a tool to achieve that), BUT it is NOT true that to “fall in love” you BOTH have to have that. There are MILLIONS of stories where a person with healthy “boundaries” (i.e. relationship and self skills) “falls” for someone who isn’t “worthy”. IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME; to indicate otherwise points to a more “ugly” truth: you may be a minister and you may be educated and mean well, but you DON’T know what you are talking about in this arena.

  4. Angie Wyatt

    06. Jan, 2012

    Annon, Thanks for your thoughts. I respect your opinion, but according to Cloud & Townsend whose book Boundaries has sold millions of copies . . . I’m right on target. The first section is all about assessing your own boundaries before criticizing those of your loved ones. Either way . . . I hope the spirit of the blog comes through . . . check the log in your own eye before blaming others. It’s a good rule of thumb in any situation.

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