Ask Angie: Married & Talking to Women Online?

Posted on 18. Jul, 2011 by Angie Wyatt in Ask Angie, Blog

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In my blog “Is Your Man Married,” I received a comment from a married man who is love with another woman. They met on a social networking site.  He says he wasn’t looking for love.  (You can read his heartfelt comment at length here.)

William Asks Angie

We realized that we found our ‘other half’ . . . We are both spiritual people and want to do the right thing as well as not hurt anyone . . . We both have felt that God brought us together.  In fact, religion and God has played a huge role in our relationship.

In trying to do what’s right, we have tried to take “breaks” from each other . . . it would only last a few days before we simply couldn’t be without each other . . . We both stay stuck in these marriages for the sake of others including the spouses that are negative and bring us down.  We both look to God to see if He’ll either reconcile these marriages, or show us a way out.

Every single thing about us and our relationship screams positive, holy and divine . . . The bonds we have with each other in every aspect are stronger than we have ever known . . . At this point, we are again not communicating, searching and praying for an answer, and we are both miserable.

Anne and I often share scripture verses with each other and one of them stands out for us both.  Matthew 18:19 “If two of you shall agree on earth as touching anything that they shall ask, it shall be done for them by my Father who is in heaven.”  We both agree.

In a follow-up email he asks: Can you help show us the way into each other’s arms?

Angie Answers

William, thank you for sharing your story.  In doing so, you’re helping many others who are facing similar situations.  I hope I can help.  I know that my words, while true, will be incredibly difficult for you to hear.  Please read on with an open heart and mind knowing that I am empathetic toward your feelings.

Did you know that statistics reveal an 80% of divorces are filed as a result of social networking sites? It’s incredibly common for married people to find new relationships online.

Still, I’m not convinced that your marriage is over.  You wrote that you’re looking to God to “see if He’ll reconcile these marriages.”  Can God reconcile your marriage?  I believe that He can.  However, you must be willing to start working alongside God.  He can’t do it without your help.  I don’t think you’re helping.

In truth, you’re having a spiritual-emotional affair.  Here’s what I mean . . .

You and Anne are sharing a scripture about God coming through for people who are unified.  This scripture is what theologians call a “minor” revelation.  While Matthew 18 is true, it’s only true if it doesn’t contradict a “major” revelation.  In this instance, the major revelation is Ephesians 5, which talks about your responsibility to be the spiritual leader of your family.

God has asked you to provide spiritual leadership to your wife.  Instead, you’re providing it to another woman.  You’re focusing on the “minor” revelation and avoiding the “major” revelation.  Thus, sharing any scripture with Anne is void.

Spiritual Wellness is about learning to hear God.  To hear God, we must discern whether we are hearing Him correctly.  This necessitates that we are willing to be wrong — even to the point of heartbreak.

As a spiritual guide, I must advise you that you are not hearing God correctly in this situation.

Your unsatisfying marriage left you with a need for emotional connection and spiritual intimacy.  You found that in Anne.  Because you love God and want to be the spiritual leader of a relationship . . . you offered that to Anne.  She accepted. God designed you as a spiritual leader and you’re finally acting in that role!  Of course it feels divine! Only problem . . . she’s not your wife.

We can reasonably presume that you have had false spiritual intuitions about this relationship being grounded in spiritual truth. Your relationship with Anne is based on a spiritual-emotional bond.  I think you’ve had good intentions.  Still, it’s a bond God intended for your wife.

You’re a free man who can choose his destiny.  If you want to be with Anne, you can make that choice.  However, first be honest with yourself.  You must acknowledge that choosing Anne is a choice motivated by your emotional needs, not your Spiritual Wellness.

My Advice?

  1. End the emotional-spiritual affair completely.
  2. Cry, grieve and get angry.  But, don’t look back.
  3. Ask God to forgive you for offering another woman what belonged to your wife –- your heart and your spiritual leadership.
  4. Take what you’ve learned from this relationship and apply it to your marriage.  Find scriptures to share with your wife.  Ask her to pray with you before bed.  You are destined to be a spiritual leader.  Your marriage will thrive when you step into that role.  Guaranteed.
  5. Find a therapist who can help you process your emotional needs and marital duress.
  6. Until then, keep asking God to mend your marriage.

My prayer for you: Lord, please help those reading this to hear you in truth.  Please remove any obstacles that are keeping them from knowing Your will and following You.  Help the men to lead their families into Your presence.  Let Your restoring Spirit minister to their hearts.  Amen.

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7 Responses to “Ask Angie: Married & Talking to Women Online?”

  1. Andy Heller

    18. Jul, 2011

    Powerful article and answer. This is a common situation in todays world. I know someone who is in something like this. I would like for them to read it.

  2. Swiss Rose

    19. Jul, 2011

    “Make a long story short”. – If a man do not feel comfortable in his marriage anymore he is looking for other sources to find another woman to be happy with. In the internet, he tells, just chatting and then he is falling in love and has 1000s of excuses. For me a no go! Speak with your wife man and come to a result. Witch way it ends you will find out. – Blessings Rose

  3. william rose

    19. Jul, 2011

    Hi Angie. Thank you for your response. I said to you in my comment from “In love with a married man” that your comments can only be as accurate as the information you are given. I’m sorry to say that perhaps my story was incomplete. I failed to mention that I am my wifes 3rd husband and I am reminded of it far too often I believe, and not in a good way. So, for me, maybe that’s why this “marriage” has been so unsettling from the start not to mention how it all began. First off, I don’t recall ever proposing or having anything to do with the wedding plans as well as the fact that I’m not much of a drinker but was compelled to drink plenty before the ceremony. I even told my friend and best man before hand that I thought I was making a mistake.. He said it was the jitters and convinced me to proceed. All I want and ever wanted was to make people happy and on that given day I guess with all those people there, that’s what I had to do even at the expense of my own. How long I’ll pay the price, I don’t know. Another fact is, this is my 2nd marriage. My first “wife” struggled with alcohol and had fidelity issues. I would forgive and try to get past it but that only lasted till the next time it happened. Any spiritual guidance I offered fell on deaf ears. As the mother of my son I hear about her from time to time,,, she’s still the same. (kind of sad). When I think to myself of this place I’m in and how I got here, I recall how lost I was and wonder if I wasn’t on the “rebound”. I just don’t know. Maybe I’m still a little lost. Hmmmm maybe we don’t see it much anymore, but I’m the fool that will hold hands, open doors, pull the chair out, and do anything I can to make a woman feel special and loved. All the things a guy does for a woman on a first date,,, I do every day but it’s too hard to do that here anymore. There is no spiritual connection and any emotional connection has dwindled to the point of extinction. I can try my best as I always do but it takes 3 to make a marriage and it seems to me like I’m the only one showing up. Thank you Angie for your attention and response and if all this helped anyone, I can be thankful.

  4. pam

    19. Jul, 2011

    William,
    Please do not see yourself as the exception, no matter what all of the details are. It’s the Enemy’s most effective/destructive tactic. I am only speaking from experience. Before you do anything, please please ask God to remove deception, repent for what you know in your heart is not holy. God’s Word is truth, and you will indeed find this out. I pray that you do not go down the path of deception. Years and years and years of heartache and brokenness will be the price. Self deception has you in it’s grip and has control over you. But God is greater!! Direct your faith and energy in His power to heal and restore your marriage. I am praying for you, William, and I am not judging you. I so understand, and that’s why I am sharing this with you.
    Your sister in the Loving Restoring Savior,
    Pam

  5. william rose

    23. Jul, 2011

    Thank you Pam for your prayers and kind words.
    You say that the price would be years of heartache and brokenness? I guess I have been paying the price for sometime now. It was only the past 18 months that I felt the healing. I felt the light and the love and became even closer to God. How does it go? two steps forward, one stpe back? or one step forward and two steps back? I’m not really sure..
    I’ve heard it said that “with despair comes courage” and I kind of think that maybe theres something to it.
    Right now I continue to pray and pray for a definitive answer but it doesn’t come. I ask myself and God, How long must I endure this, All of this, and I ask myself How long Can I endure this? I always keep an open mind and an open heart to God and his works. I also have kept an open mind and heart to this that surrounds me but its getting old having it all slammed or thrown back in my face. I know I have a good heart and I always do things with the best intentions but I’ve learned that even with the best intentions and all the truth and goodness you offer, things just don’t turn out as you hope. lesson learned.
    I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve and with that I’ve learned another lesson. Go sleeveless

  6. Jan-Michael

    27. Jul, 2011

    Comment on William’s :

    (I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve and with that I’ve learned another lesson. Go sleeveless)

    Thank you firstly for your openess that may help others through knowing your story so far, as I suppose there are many other people sharing similar dilemas!

    William, I think showing your true feelings is best. Not that you should allow those feelings to dominate your life and the lives of all around you; BUT, keeping them locked away inside you. if that is what you mean by not wearing your heart on your sleeve, “going sleeveless”, would bottle your feeling up and that is how I believe feelings can heat up and boil over badly.

    I pray you and yours can find a positive solution and correct any wrong expressions in the past. And remember, they can truly be in the past if you both can and want to accept and embrace the future ‘together’, openly and honestly express what you feel to eachother.

    He is Blessing all, always
    Jan-Michael

  7. LFP

    12. Mar, 2012

    This exchange and the previous blog post that precipitated it are fascinating!

    My parents divorced when I was about 20. Their relationship became distructive and truly seemed irreconcilable. Their divorce felt like a relief. I have friends and known many others who have had relationships and marriages fail for many different combinations of reasons (it is atypical that a single reason will cause a relationship to fail).

    Here, clearly, William had already decided on a course of action and overcoming a decision of the heart with a position based on logical reason is a tremendous difficulty and, frankly, a rarity.

    Angie’s advice is very inciteful, though difficult to follow.

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