Ask Angie: Drinking & Dating?

Posted on 09. Aug, 2011 by Angie Wyatt in Ask Angie, Blog

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“Drinking & Dating” Asks Angie:

I have been in a relationship for about 6 years with my gal. She has co-dependency issues. I have alcohol and abandonment issues. I have been to 4 treatment centers and she has sat through the counseling and agreed that I need a stable environment. She is so enmeshed with her family that she is never around. It feeds all my schemas and I drink again. We have done this so many times I feel like I have no hope of ever being happy again. All I do is pray. Any advice? Sincerely, Drinking & Dating

Angie Answers

Dear Drinking & Dating,

When dating, we attract people who are at the same place as us emotionally, psychologically and spiritually. Typically, one person in the relationship has a more overt emotional or psychological problem. It seems like they are the least healthy partner. In your instance, this person was you because you battle alcoholism.

Despite appearances, when we scratch beneath the surface, we find that the other partner also has baggage. It will be a different issue from his/her partner, but the issue will ultimately impact the person’s life at the same degree of intensity. In this case, it’s your gal’s enmeshment with her family.

Two separate people with two separate issues. Same end result. You’re trapped from being the person God has destined you to be.

Throughout the relationship, we ideally continue to grow as individuals. If only one partner is committed to personal growth, then the couple will grow apart. That’s how we end up being incompatible. It sounds like this is what happened in your relationship.

You have sought treatment for alcoholism, while your partner has not addressed the enmeshment with her family. Since you’ve been in treatment, I assume you already know that her actions are not an excuse for your inability to stay sober. Clearly, you’re still working through the abandonment wounds. That being said, it is important that you acknowledge the triggers that lead to drinking. When possible, remove the triggers.

So, my question is this… Are you married to this gal? If so, I highly encourage you to stick it out. God uses marriage to help us become more like Him. As her husband, you can help her address the enmeshment in the same way that she helped you address the alcoholism.

If you’re not married, then it might be time to move on. Breaking up is always hard, but its also really healthy. If you’re no longer at the same place emotionally, psychologically and spiritually, then you may be ready for a new soul mate. You aren’t the same person you were six years ago. You have different needs, and you have more to offer. If you start dating anew, you’ll attract someone who is equal to you in Spiritual Wellness.

My prayer for you: Lord, please help this man make a difficult decision about his relationship. Please help him to find Your true guidance and light. Lead him to You. Grant him the grace to stay sober in mind, body and soul. Amen.

ask Angie, dating, drinking, emotions

2 Responses to “Ask Angie: Drinking & Dating?”

Swiss Rose

10. Aug, 2011

For me drinking a glas or two wine or beer , no problem. or cooking with alcohol easy. But when I see my dating partner drinks and drinks I tray to ask him what is his problem and if this load is to much for me I say in nice words good-bye to him. I have to rescue my soul. — People drink because they have baggages. A bad childhood, a bad job situation, very bad marriage ect. — Yes that’s right both parteners in a marriage has to grow spiritally and otherwise. For the non growing it’s difficult to understand “the” partner. The bible can heal our wounds and devotional ( readings every day). My experience. — Angie I’m a happy single. I liked as you want to encourage us in your post to date someone last summer. But even he liked me a lot and was a bit in love with me, he always found excuses to date me. At the end he ment because I didn’t wanted sex immeadiately from him, he has to give me a course of treatment. It’s obviously that we coudn’t get a couple. My opinion is do not get involved with an alcoholic! I had once a sober boyfriend in the past. But after three months he begun again. I had to leave him, other reasons have been behind as well. – Blessings Rose
Jan-Michael

10. Aug, 2011

Sounds to me that this couple really care for eachother, having been together 6 years through tough times; his drinking and her seemingly “enmeshed” in other family matters.

I wonder if she is escaping to her family matters or if he is escaping to drink but I do not know other than what he wrote. It does however seem like maybe they are dragging eachother down and what started first is not worth visiting, as the problems are obviously intertwined.

I do feel we are all responsible for our actions. I hope he has expressed to his partner that her deep involvement with her family issues, leaving him alone, is a problem; that he can so far only find drink as a way to cope. That said, I think he seems to realize he is addicted to drink and I wonder maybe if she is addicted to fixing him and family problems.

I pray he and she can or have talked through why he does what he does and she does what she does!
Sounds like her family needs her or she needs their problems too much. And I wonder his relationship with her family and if he can or would be welcome to try to be more involved with his partner at those times with her family..

I have been married 39 years so we too have had rough patches but we have learned best to ensure our marriage comes first and then all else falls into place rightly. And our marriage does leave room for each of us to grow different branches. I do not love all my wife’s activities (quiliting is not my passion) and she does not like all my activities (walking or other physical activity is not her thing like it is for me).

But she asks about my adventurous trips through the woods and around the lake at 7AM and I ask about her fabulous quilts.

Good luck my friend and talk with your partner to try to put at the top what you have in common, while scheduling some time to be honest about what is not well. You maybe surprised to know some things that come out of the talk. For what it’s worth that is my advice
as another guy.

My Prayers will include you both

He is Blesing all, always
Jan-Michael